I am not in control

and it bugs the crap out of me!! Yes I have control issues, don't we all? Lately, our fertility issues, or lack of them, (I dont know if we can say we have any anymore, even though we're not pregnant) has really been on my mind. It was open enrollment time for insurance at work, so I had to decide what to do about coverage or lack there-of. Mine covers nothing infertility related. Honestly it didn't seem to cover much of anything, anything related. Ben's does or will as long as some things are medically documented, so we were discussing me switching to his. While doing my "research" I found that my current insurance will pay for an abortion but not anything infertility. That makes no sense to me and I won't go further with that because thats a whole other blog. The cost coming out of our paychecks will still be the same, so nothing lost there. Also, the new will have a lower deductible, which will be nice. The only thing is that I may have issues with them saying I have pre-existing, (I dont really know why, but I might) so in that case you have to wait 12-18 months for them to give you coverage for that, if I understood correctly. So, if thats the case, and it requires us to wait another year to do anything at the RE, I'm ok with it. Our pocketbooks will appreciate it as well. :)

I am a little frustrated these days. Since we know now that we're both ok and should be able to have kids just like everyone else, I don't know where we will go from here. I don't know what the next dr's appt will be like, what he will suggest or anything. I do know we can't afford it and we are leaning towards not going anymore. Which also frustrates me. Its like we got the ball rolling but we can't do anything else. I know it will all work out, I just have to be patient. I'm working on it. Somedays are much better than others.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone has a great day with friends and family. Don't eat too much food! :)


I've already had two dinners, one to go. I'm stuffed. Probably won't eat tonight.

Here are the pics of Lilly in the tutu.





More to come later...

Randoms

It's been a while, so long in fact, I had to go read my last post to see what even happened.
Lots of things, but then again, not really anything.

One of Ben's co-workers, Amy, made Lilly a Tutu. It's cute, she wasn't a big fan of it in the beginning, but eventually she started moving. It was quite funny to watch. It'll make a cute Halloween costume for sure! Amy makes tutu's for all ages, so if you want one hit her up on her blog. She also does I-Spy bags. These are really cool and make quiet activities for the little ones during church and different things.

I came home friday to a pretty little package from Bryn over at Newlywedisms by Bryn. She had a blog givaway to celebrate her blogaversary and I was one of the winners. My prize were these cute little marble magnets. They are super easy to make and really cute! If you saw me at Hobby Lobby yesterday, (you know who you are ;)) thats what I was getting. My only complaints are the magnets I bought, some of them are directional and I picked the wrong side!! I'll have to find some more! AND I might just have a blog giveaway for all my loyal (few) readers. :)

Thanksgiving will be here next week, I'm not excited. I'm not un-excited either, its just not my holiday. It marks my second anniversary at my job (yay for a raise!) but also some other things that happened on my first day of work. My grandpa had been sick on Thanksgiving and was brought into the hospital on my first day of work. He was the 2nd patient I ever did, or attempted. I had to leave, luckily there were two other people there to work that day as well. So the next two weeks or so were rough. I knew what the outcome was going to be and thought I was ok with it. I'm a keep it all in person, and I kept it all in, still some of it two years later. I took on the roll of the tough one for those two weeks because I felt I needed to for my grandma's sake. Even when I wanted to cry, others made me feel bad for it, like it wasn't acceptable to cry. I have alot of regrets that surround the whole situation which is why I think I can't let go and be okay with it all. Its something I'll have to get over. And I will, theres nothing I can do about it now.

This weekend has to be one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I got to hang out with some great friends, play some new games and just have fun. No stress at all! The stress will come when I make that trip to the grocery store for Thanksgiving food. Ben and I discussed going really really late when all the crazies are gone. I know when we were out and about saturday it was nuts! I'm glad I like online shopping! :)

Pictures of things next...well tomrrow.

Sushi, Make-up, Hot Chocolate, and Friends

Thats my day in a nutshell. I'll elaborate though because sushi and hot chocolate don't really go together.

Lindsey, Courtney and I all went out to lunch today. We ended up having Fuji's. If you've never been there go, its awesome!! Lindsey decided to order the spicy tuna roll. I've never had sushi, nor did I really ever have intentions of eating any, but I did. AND I actually liked it. I'm not a big spicy fan but it was good. No bad nasty fishy taste about it. Texture wasn't even bad. So I can now say I've eaten sushi, didn't hate it. I'm not so sure I'd just up and order it as a meal but I'm not ruling it out as something I'd never eat again. If you know me, thats huge! I mean huge! I'm that person that doesn't like lettuce. Yes, I'm weird, but I think the stuff is yucky. I'll eat it occasionally, but I'm not the order a salad person. I even said this today. "I actually liked the sushi better than lettuce." Lindsey has it recorded as proof. LOL!

We also did some shopping. I've been wanting to get the Bare Minerals makeup thanks to recommendations from Linds and Court. So I technically bought my Christmas present today. So far I really like it, but what I have on is what the lady put on me. I'll try it myself tomorrow.

We went to Cafe Buono. The lady who made my hot chocolate did an AWESOME job!! I have to say thats some of the best I've ever had. The strawberry cake with strawberry icing was wonderful as well!!

It was a pretty great day minus the lovely rain. I'm ready for Christmas stuff. I've been scouting out a few things and then thinking how I could DIY them for so much cheaper. :)

This is random but I learned that there is a word I don't like. Teat. Earlier Ben and I were watching "How it's made" on Discovery and they were showing how cows are milked. The commentator kept saying that word. I dont like it. I told Ben it sounded like a bad word. I just had to share. :)

Went to the doctor yesterday for my ear. They've been bothering me since Saturday and I figured ear infection. I can't really hear out of the left one, right is ok now. I was having some lovely dizziness to go along with it. I got some nasal spray and am supposed to start taking that.

Yesterday I did I good thing. After almost 4 years of not living with my parents, I finally cleaned out my closet in their house. We got rid of alot of clothes. Donated some and took my old prom dresses to a consignment shop. The only things I brought home were some high school keepsake type shirts and a few pairs of shoes. Also my flute. I think my mom is excited to have more closet space now. It was interesting seeing some of the clothes I used to wear. I dont remember ever wearing a medium, but I apparently did. That made me a little sad, because I used to think I was fat then. If I had only known. I still have one bookshelf in there with annuals and pictures that I need to go through. Maybe another day.

The Celine concert was rescheduled for Feb which works out GREAT!!!! :)

Mondays suck

Celine Dion concert has been postponed.

I'll elaborate now. Yesterday was one of those mondays where I should've stayed in bed. Started off with me not being able to find my glasses before I left for work. I can totally see without them but I knew I'd have a headache before the day was over. Went to work, got behind from the beginning. I had gotten myself a doctors appt for after work and getting behind in the morning could ruin the rest of the day. Short story, I canceled my appt and will be going this morning. Sad thing is yesterday was so crazy that I can't remember what time she told me to be there. 9:15 or 9:50? So I'm showing up at 9:15 to be safe. I have nothing better to do.

In the middle of yesterdays chaos, I get a lovely email from Ticketmaster saying our concert has been postponed. ?!?!?!?! I have to call and hope that I can get a refund on my hotel room, otherwise I'd being going to St. Louis for the heck of it. Why let a room go to waste? The lady was awesome, knew why we were cancelling and I'm getting all my money back. YAY! The downside is that we don't know when they will potentially reschedule the concert. My tickets are still good and all, but I dont know if I'll be able to get off work. Crossing my fingers that it all works out. So now I'm off work til Friday. I tried to go in Wed but the person working for me really wants to work, which I can understand. We all need the money these days. I had to use some vacation time, which I would have done anyway, so I guess it all works out.

Now what to do for 3 days? Cleaning is an option, but who really wants to do that? I'm sure I'll find something to occupy my time.

no title...well i guess this is one...

I guess I techinically lied about the new blog layout. I had some code to make it into a three column layout but I haven't managed to figure it out yet. I probably won't either. So for now, you get what you've gotten.

Nothing exciting going on in my life this week. I got my haircut today. Its different. She took some length off and I have bangs. Not cut straight across bangs. Sweep to the side ones that aren't too short, just right in my opinion. Next time, I might get dangerous and get highlights! I love how everytime I go in, she talks about how healthy my hair is and that I need to damage it. Cracks me up!! So I told her that next time, I'm seriously considering damaging it. It'll be subtle though, nothing outrageous for my first time. Lindsey and I got her really good today. Shes expecting a baby in about a month, so we decided to get her a gift. We called her up after our appointment and told her we needed to come back in to get our hair magazines. Secretly, we just wanted to make sure she'd be there later in the day. So, we go to target, throw together a really cute baby gift basket and run back to our hair place. We walk in with the basket and all she says is "Here are your magazines." Then she sees the basket and we both tell her we don't care one bit about those magazines. I think she was really surprised. :)

I started my 101 things in 1001 days list. I dont know if anyone has heard of this but the link is here. Some of my blogs I read have started one and I figured why not try it. I have a list started, some of my things already finished, but I can't seem to get 101 yet. I'm gonna post it on here and use my blog to keep up with what I've done. That'll be coming soon.

Its 8:30p, I honestly could've gone to bed an hour ago. This time change has really really screwed me up. I do have to get up at 4am, so it'd probably be a good thing to go to bed now.

Halloween Pictures

Busy, Busy, Busy!!

Thats pretty much my week in one word: busy! I'll give you somewhat of a re-cap.

Monday-Extremely slow day at work. Carrie Underwood concert was that night. It ended up being me, lindsey, courtney and kalia (my friends daughter) going. Didn't get to bed til about 11 (i think) that night.

Tuesday-Got up at 4:30a for a two hr drive to work. The whole day of worked was horrible. Not because of lack of sleep, although that didn't help, but just the situations and patients and crap. I didn't get lunch til 4pm that day. I'm not sure why I really bothered that late but given I had had no breakfast, I figured it would be a good thing.

Wednesday-work again. I dont really remember wednesday to be honest with you. Its a blur.

Thursday-I worked again. Had to get up at 4:30 again. Another incredibly long day. I only got lunch because the dept secretary offered to grab something from the cafeteria for me. Thank goodnesss for her. I didn't get home that night til almost 8pm! (yes, I signed up for this job, but somedays I'm allowed to hate it and complain about it) :)

Friday-my day off. Should've been a day to rest but I had lots of things to do for Halloween. Also lindsey came over and we ordered t-shirts for the Celine concert. :) They're cute and I will of course have pics of them as soon as they're done. Had the halloween party that night. Pics at some point of course. Got to bed at midnight.

Saturday-woke up at 6 to go to work. I hate working saturdays. After work we baked cookies. Millions of them. Next week is Radiologic Technologist Week. Instead of mass ordering something for all of clients for work, my boss had the idea to do homemade stuff. So Ben, Lindsey and I baked saturday. I think Lindsey left at like 10 pm. So it was a very busy day.

So all in all I've been crazy busy...waiting for that day I can sleep in later than 6 am.

In attempts at making a baby news, this week we found out that our problem is not a problem anymore. Which is great but I also feel like we're back at square one. We had a "plan" or idea of where to go from here, now its back to "Well they should have no problem getting pregnant on their own, so whats up?" Which makes this whole thing frustrating. I actually chose this time not to talk to anyone about it, well other than my mom, because I'm just exhausted with thinking and talking about it. I dont really do much of either but along with my crappy weeks at work, I dont feel like re-living the information with each of the people I talk to it about. Atleast not this week. Next week I may feel like talking about it, but this week I dont. I feel like internalizing it all and getting it out later. I have no time to get it out and deal with it anyway. I'm tired of the "just be patient" and "relax, dont think about it" answers. I know all of these things, really I do. I've been patient and I dont honestly think about it as much as it may come across here. (unsure of how it even comes across) I think about it when we get a new information (good or bad) and that is when I dwell, then I get over it. I'm trying to tell myself that its just not our time to have kids yet, we're not ready and God has other plans for us. I guess maybe I should ask people to be patient with me, when I want to talk about it I will, and if I dont, don't take it personally. Its me and I will when I want to and when I need to.

Its just been a rough week, I need lots of sleep and I'll be better. Pictures soon and a new layout!